


Learning to let go

by Silvermoone



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Sex Toys, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-18
Updated: 2015-09-28
Packaged: 2018-04-21 10:41:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 10,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4826039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silvermoone/pseuds/Silvermoone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Since their return from Adamant, Bull has been plagued with nightmares. Adaar has a plan to help him, but can she see it all the way through to the end? Adult content, including the use of a saatoh nehrappan ;)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The full moon stretched it's luminescent rays across the room, highlighting the corner of a desk and cutting a path to the woman sitting against the headboard, a troubled look on her face. Adaar dropped her gaze from its beauty to look down at the man tossing and turning in the bed next to her. 

She knew this moment would come, had waited patiently for more than a week. Stubborn man, fighting every step of the way, even against nightmares. His name suited him well, The Iron Bull, for certainly he was as bull headed as they came. 

It had been eight days since their return from the battle at Adamant Fortress. Being pulled into the Fade had shaken them all, but the fear had been much worse for Bull, to the point that he had given them tips on how to kill him if he became possessed. Those words had hurt her heart, spoken with such fierce determination to ensure he would not be left trapped inside a shell of evil. 

With a gentle finger she caught one of the many droplets of sweat rolling down his temple. His breathing was stertorous and she could only imagine what horrors chased him in his troubled sleep. She pulled him into her arms, a woman's comforting embrace and stroked a hand over his face and neck in a soothing rhythm as she had for the last five days. 

Each nightmare had gotten progressively worse; it seemed the harder he fought them, the darker and more potent they became. As she patiently waited for the nightmare to end, she ran through the list in her head of what would be needed this night. The tools that would be necessary to allow Bull to let go, to let out the poison that was festering in his soul. 

Turning her head, she saw the padded manacles that were attached separately to the lowest slat by large metal rings, each with a length of adjustable chain. 

She smiled at the memories of what he'd done to her while she'd been restrained, unable to move, held at his mercy as much by his words as the cuffs, waiting with trembling breath for his next touch. Now those manacles would serve her, would restrain a stronger Qunari, one who was fighting his own set of demons. 

She remembered an earlier conversation between them while sitting in the tavern together. The newness of her relationship with Bull had roused her curiosity about their respective roles in the bedroom. She'd asked him if he could be something else. He'd laughed; that deep, rumbling sound that made her stomach flutter pleasantly. His answer replayed in her head with surprising clarity. 

“No, this is who we are. It'd be disrespectful to what you need to treat you any other way.” 

She'd pondered his reply, and then asked, “What about what you need?” 

He'd chuckled. ”Hey, I'm good. I am better than good.” 

But she'd caught the hesitation in his voice as he spoke those last few words; almost as if he was trying to convince himself. Something must have shown in her face; damn his observant Ben-Hassrath skills, because he'd tried to ease her worry. 

“You, uh, don't trouble yourself on that front. Ol' Iron Bull is just fine.” But she had troubled herself over him. Loving him with her whole being, how could she do any less? 

The horrific journey through the fade had brought everything to a head. The day after they'd returned from Adamant, she'd seen Cassandra knock Bull on his ass. Friend or not, she'd almost punched the Seeker. 

However Cassandra had given her a grim smile and dropped the thick wooden pole to the ground. “Perhaps you can take over.” Adaar had listened to Bull's explanation and had given him what he needed, though, she was sure that each blow she landed, had hurt her more than him. 

She stroked a hand over his brow now, trying to ease the nightmare that assaulted him. The beating hadn't worked, there were still fearful shadows that lurked inside him, and she wanted to free him from that, draw out the darkness that overwhelmed him each night his guard was down. 

She just prayed that she could be strong enough for him.


	2. Learning to let go

At length, his breathing evened out and he rolled onto his side, his body covered in a cold sweat, his limbs still twitching every now and then, as if from exhaustion. She knew now was the time to put her plan in motion. Carefully, she moved him so that he lay on his back, then gently attached the restraints to his thick wrists. 

He shifted and murmured, but his sleep remained undisturbed. Adaar collected the items she would need and laid them on the floor by the side of the bed, close enough to be within her reach, but hidden from Bull's view. She pulled off her robe and covered her body in a moisturiser that left her skin gleaming and smelling ever so lightly of vanilla and jasmine. 

With the preparations finished, she climbed onto the bed and straddled Bull's wide waist, stifling a groan as her sex pressed against his firm abdominal muscles. Ah Maker, even asleep he was the sexiest damn man she'd ever had the pleasure to know, and the only man she'd ever loved. 

She smoothed her hands over his chest, the remnants of the moisturiser leaving a gleaming path in its wake. Bull shifted, a lazy hum escaping his lips that vibrated pleasurably through her body. However this night was about him, so she reined in her own arousal and set about waking him up. Her hips rocked smoothly back and forth in a slow, sensuous movement, rubbing her silken folds against him. 

“Do you need something, Kadan?” His voice was rough and husky, his words a little slurred with sleep. She didn't reply as she waited for the inevitable moment. The chains clanked; she had an instant to wonder if she was doing the right thing, and then his eyes opened fully, no longer clouded with sleep, but alert and questioning. He moved his head back and to the side taking a good long look at the manacles, a look in the opposite direction confirmed that his other wrist was in the same predicament. His eyebrow lifted. “This is new.” The words held a hint of wariness mixed with a dash of humour. His lips tilted up in that lopsided smile that invited you to join in the joke. 

Her gaze left his lips and settled on his eyes, it was there she would see his real emotions, and she didn't have to look hard. There was an undercurrent of fear, caused in part by a lingering trace of the nightmare, but there was also the understanding that he was treading in unknown waters. His past made it hard for him to trust easily, a past where everyone he met had been a potential enemy, where a friend had so easily become a betrayer.   
Needing to put him at ease, she leaned forward and captured his lips in a warm, gentle kiss. She pulled back when she felt him relax a little and whispered against his lips, “In answer to your question, I do need something.” 

She stroked over his large shoulders, massaging the tight muscles for a moment, before sliding her hands over his arms, fingers dipping into defined biceps, tracing the thick veins running over his strong forearms, a brief caress to his hands. “I need something from you, Bull.” Her tongue traced the shell of his ear, lips pulling at the tip in a suggestive manner. “I can see that Kadan, but, correct me if I'm wrong, aren't the restraints usually wrapped around your lovely wrists?” She kissed along his firm jaw line, nipping tenderly at the skin, inhaling his masculine scent and tasting him with quick flicks of her tongue. 

“Adaar, stop a moment.” She pulled back, her face hovering over his. “These restraints; are they because you think I'd hurt you?” Her eyes widened; that was something she hadn't imagined him thinking, probably because she'd never once felt unsafe in his presence, just the opposite in fact. She cupped his face, making sure he was looking her in the eye. “No Bull, never that. You're my shelter, my safe haven, I know you would never hurt me.” He blew out a breath. “Okay, that's good, I thought perhaps I'd gone too far last time.” She grinned and kissed him hard. “My screaming orgasm wasn't a clue as to how much I enjoyed it?” 

He chuckled. “Could you speak up, because my ears are still ringing with the sound of screaming.” The laughter died in his throat as shadows flickered across his features, and she knew his words had unintentionally triggered a memory from his nightmare. “Is that what you dream of, Bull?” Her voice was low, calming. His eyes darted to hers, and she could practically see the walls coming up. “Nope, I dream of your naked body riding my cock.” She pulled back, seating herself on his stomach. His reply was unsurprising, a defensive answer to knock her off balance, but that wasn't going to work on her. 

“Tonight is all about you learning to let go.” She traced a circle on his abs, her expression thoughtful, a means of gathering herself, an erotic variation of doodling in a book. From under her lashes, she noticed his muscles tense, the chains pull tight. Then he seemed to regain control of himself, but she could see the effort it took to relax his body into a state of lazy indifference. She lifted her head, her features strong and determined, her eyes holding a hint of steel. “Tonight, I'm going to pleasure you until you're shaking with desire, and then I'm going to let it all settle down before bringing you back to the boil again and again. I won't let you orgasm until you let go of the fear.” 

She was going to break that darkness, scatter it to the four winds, but for that, she needed Bull to co-operate, and judging from the look in his eye, that wasn't going to be an easy task.


	3. Learning to let go

 

The tension was back, his lip lifting in a snarl. “I don't understand the game you're playing, Kadan.” His use of that special word, an endearment for her ears only, nearly melted her resolve. But the trepidation in his eyes reinforced her will, he needed help, someone strong enough to take on his fears with him, to help him fight back. “You told me once that there are Tamassrans who pop your cork whenever you need it, that it's like going to a healer and that sometimes it can take all day and leave you walking funny. That's what this is going to be like, Bull.”

His lips curled up into an enticing smile. “You don't need restraints for that, I can give you what you need without these.” He pulled on the chains again, although it seemed more of a test of strength to see if he could get free.  “There's the problem. You focus so much on my pleasure that you don't take anything for yourself.” Now he looked genuinely perplexed. “ Kadan, I know you're usually a bit dazed after riding the Bull, but I can assure you, I do come,” he grinned, “Long and hard.”

She couldn't resist responding to that cheeky grin, and leaning forward she pressed a kiss over his heart. She could feel the thump of it beneath her lips, knew it was beating faster than usual. In that moment, she knew he was running scared, regardless of his smartass remarks. “Oh I know you do Bull, believe me I know. But that's a physical release, in the end, you haven't let go of anything. You keep a tight rein on your control throughout the whole scene. Whereas I leave the bed feeling lighter, my worries and responsibilities once more clear, you leave still carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.”

Her fingers played at his nipples now, scraping across them gently with a short fingernail, circling the hard peaks in a teasing manner. “I don't want that for you Bull, I want you to shout out all your worries, roar in anger at the fear that invades your dreams at night. Push it back to where it came from, get it out of your system. Just let go.” His head was turned away, staring out of the long window at the side of the room, his gaze distant, seeing things that she couldn't. She stretched herself over his body, holding him. Her hand soothed his brow as her lips pressed to his neck, finding the pulse and nipping, then licking away the pain.

“Stay with me, Bull.” He blinked, once, twice, and she could see the herculean effort it took for him to pull back from where ever he'd gone to. She felt his throat move in a hard, rough gesture, proof that his emotions were rising up. He turned his head to rest against hers. “I don't seem to have a lot of choice.” He nodded to the manacles gleaming in the moonlight. She smiled against his skin, knowing he could feel the shape of her mouth. “No, you don't. I'm not going to let you run from what's chasing you any more, Bull. It's time to turn and face the tiger.”

She positioned herself between his thickly muscled thighs, noting that his erection had flagged since she'd last checked, no doubt due to the conversation they'd been having. Well, that just wouldn't do. She wanted to strip away that veneer of civility, take away his inhibitions and leave only the raw, primal part of him. Leaning forward she braced her hands on his hips, her fingers spreading over twitching muscles. She put her mouth mere inches away from his large cock, so that when she spoke he felt each warm breath caress the sensitive flesh.

“You said you don't understand this game, so let me make it clear. This isn't a game, Bull,” her eyes lifted, steadily meeting his, “This is a battle, a fight to help you regain what you lost at Adamant.” His body tensed so tightly she thought he might strain something. She blew across the flushed head of his cock, then licked up the full length. “Easy, you're safe here, love.” He let out a long breath, and slowly relaxed, her skilful mouth sucking on the head of his cock aiding in the release of tension. She sat back on her heels, her hand taking a loose hold of his shaft as she continued speaking. “When we first met, you told me that for those you care about, you give them what they need.” Her movements were unhurried as she stroked his steel erection, the heated, silken skin moving easily in her light grip.

“So, the answer is easy. I don't only care for you, I love you and I _will_ give you what you need. I _will_ fight the darkness with you.” Her voice trembled at the end and she realised how close she was to tears, but she couldn't lose him, not now, not ever.  “Come here, Kadan.” His voice, so masterful and melodious pulled her towards him. “I won't ask you to release me so that I can hold you, but just give yourself a moment.” She nodded, too emotional to speak, and laid her head on his chest, her hands following the lines of his pectorals.

She felt the press of his chin against the top of her head, his way of comforting her while he was bound. It brought another wave of emotion that closed up her throat, but it also settled her enough to carry on. Because she couldn't fail him, this strong man who had given her so much, who held her heart in the palms of his large and capable hands.

 


	4. Learning to let go

She pushed up and captured his lips, sliding her tongue in and letting him take control, even if just for a moment. “I love you, Bull, and I know it's not easy for you, but please trust me.”  His eyes widened. “Kadan, I may have trust issues with most everyone else, but you I trust with my heart, have no fear of that.” She dropped her forehead to his, a watery chuckle escaping. “You're determined to have me in tears aren't you?”

“Only if they're tears of happiness, or, you know, from a really good orgasm.” She chuckled, grateful for his humour. Once more between his spread thighs, she wrapped her lips around his cock taking him to the back of her throat in one smooth motion, her fingers wrapped around the base in a firm hold. She pulled back slowly, sucking hard, inch by inch until she reached the crown. Her tongue swirled around the broad head and over the slit, tasting the flavour of his pre cum.

She cupped his nicely rounded testicles, massaging them, gauging how tight they were, even as she monitored his breathing, an indication as to when he was getting close to release. However she needn't have worried, Bull had the stamina of a...well, bull. The man could go for hours without relief. She certainly had her work cut out for her. She looked at his muscled body and smirked, it was such a hardship.  She slid up and down his length a few more times, letting the head nudge against the back of her throat before exploring further. She drew one testicle between her full lips and bathed it with her tongue, then provided the same treatment to other tight orb. She noted the muscles in his thighs were getting tense and his breathing had quickened, so she moved away and reached for one of the items by the side of the bed, picking up a thick leather ring with an adjustable strap, which was just as well considering the girth of his penis.

She wrapped the cock ring at the base, making it tight enough to cause a slight discomfort. She would check it at regular intervals to ensure it wasn't causing him any pain, because she knew he'd get thicker as he became more aroused and she sure as hell didn't want to damage his lovely cock. “A ring, for me? You shouldn't have.” She glanced up, caught the dangerous gleam in his eyes, and smiled. “It's just a little something to help you stay on the edge.”

“You've been doing your research.” She nodded. “I have indeed.” He swallowed nervously, unsure of the mischievous and no less dangerous glint reflected in her gaze, giving him the first real understanding of how serious she was. She straddled his waist again, leaving his cock throbbing and aching. “What do you see in your nightmares, Bull?” He muttered a curse, his hope that she'd moved past that question blown away in the blink of an eye.

He was about to turn away, but her next movement arrested his attention. She smoothed her hands up her stomach, cupping her generous breasts, her thumbs stroking over the nipples. Ah hell! She knew he loved her breasts, loved to tease and play with them, and now she was taunting him with that knowledge. He could actually feel his mouth watering as she pinched the tight buds between thumb and forefinger. Then she released them and he let out a relieved sigh, until she moved down to the neat triangle of hair at the apex of her thighs. She brushed through it, encouraging the tiny curls to wrap around her fingers as she tensed her muscles, lifting herself a few inches off his stomach.

Her lithe fingers slipped easily between the soaked petals of her sex and his nostrils flared as the scent of her arousal reached him. Shit, he wanted to taste her, tease those wet folds with his tongue, clean every drop of her juices, then make her come so that he could drink from her again. He bit back a groan as her fingers dipped lower, entering her tight channel. Her head went back as she gasped in pleasure. A pleasure _he_ should be giving her; not her own damn hand. He watched intently as she pulled out, showing two glistening fingers, which she then traced over her hard nipples and the surrounding areolae, making them gleam enticingly.

Placing a hand either side of his waist, she started to crawl forward, her body moving sinuously, like a sleek cat on the hunt. Her breasts swayed temptingly, the slight sheen of her honey limned by the moonlight every now and then. There was no stopping the groan that rumbled up this time, as she came ever closer, until the two firm handfuls were suspended just out of reach of his lips.  He knew what he would have to do, even before she repeated the question. “Tell me about your nightmares.” She shifted slightly and the scent of her arousal teased his nose, then she sat upright, her back straight, telling him clearly without words that she would not bend on this matter.

 

 


	5. Learning to let go

She moved back a little so that she could sit more comfortably, and pressed her hands to his chest, a tactile reminder that he wasn't alone. He looked away, unable to meet her eyes. She let him, gave him that bit of control, knowing this would be difficult enough. 

He took a deep breath and was comforted by the weight of her body against his. “Mostly the places are different,; we could be in the Hinterlands, the Storm Coast...” he swallowed hard, “The Fade.” Her touch moved firmly over his skin, but he barely felt it, he was lost in reliving the nightmare. 

“It always starts the same. You're walking next to me, and I know there are others from our group behind us, though I never see their faces. Then a cloud rises up, thick and black, twisting and grasping. I try to move back, to warn you to run because I don't want to see you swallowed up by my darkness, but I can't speak or move. Then it's curling around me, cold slick feelers that rip and claw at me, reaching inside of me, until it takes me over.” He was being dragged under, could feel the cold seeping into him. He pulled frantically, why couldn't he move? 

“Bull, I'm here, it's all right, I'm right here with you. It can't touch you, you're safe.” She kept repeating the words, over and over as she stroked his chest in a soothing manner, wanting to ease the trembling in his limbs. The memory of the nightmare eased as the warmth of her body pressed against his. He could feel the heat pushing against the cold, forcing it away until the noise in his head became her words. For a moment he felt disorientated, a lingering sense of the darkness, so he focused on her touch and soft voice to help anchor him. 

“Kadan.” His voice sounded rough to his own ears as he turned his head towards her. A stifled sob broke the silence as she reached under his shoulders to hold him tightly. “I'm sorry, Bull, I should never have pushed you.” He felt the wetness of her tears as they ran against his neck. Abruptly she let go of him and reached for the night stand, her hand closing around the small key that would give him his freedom. 

But even as she straightened, he was speaking. “Don't.” He drew in a deep fortifying breath and then let it out, “Leave them on.” Her hand wavered, the key almost at the lock, then she put it back on the night stand and sat down on the bed. Bull watched her, noting the way the moonlight had turned the tracks of her tears to pale silver streaks. He wanted desperately to wipe them away, but she was on the right path and he needed to stay in these restraints until she'd broken through. 

“I don't think I can do this, Bull. I thought I could be your strength as much as you've been mine, but it hurt so much to see you lost and tormented. I can't watch you suffer any more.” Bull felt as if his heart had just curled up and died in his chest. He should have known this would be how it ended. What woman could put up with his constant tossing and turning at night, his mood swings. Hell, she'd lasted longer than he thought she would. But he needed to hear her say it. 

“You're ending the relationship?” He tried hard to keep the pain from his voice, but somehow it still crept in. He felt a stinging slap on his arm and looked up, surprised at her reaction. “How dare you suggest that I would leave you now, or ever! But especially now, when you need me.” Her eyes glittered with anger as she once more straddled him, her hands pressed flat against his pectorals. Then she met his gaze, saw the sadness mixed with a small amount of hope and her face softened. 

“You said you couldn't do this, I assumed...” 

“You foolish man, I love you too much to leave you. I just meant that I didn't want to cause you any more pain.” She bent her head, and he surged up, his mouth covering hers in a passionate kiss that left her breathless and wanting more.


	6. Learning to let go

Once her brain cells had recovered enough to formulate words again, she asked him about the manacles. “Are you sure about this, Bull? I seem to be making things worse.” He brushed against her lips. “Yes, I'm sure, and no, you're not making things worse. When I was talking to you about the nightmares, I could feel something cracking open inside of me.” 

She looked dubious. “Is that a good thing?” 

“Yeah, I think it is, I feel...” He sighed. “I'm not great at explaining things like this, but suffice it to say, I do feel a bit better.” He met her searching gaze easily, letting her see the truth of his words. Eventually, she gave a nod, and a smile that promised all sorts of naughty things. 

“I think you deserve your reward now.” He licked his lips as she drew closer, but in the interest of good relationships, he felt he should be honest with her. “There is more to the dream.” She leaned back, her finger tapping against her lips while she thought the matter over. 

After a few moments, she looked down at him. “Thank you for telling me, but I think you need a distraction.” She bent forward, lowering one breast to his mouth. He closed his lips hungrily over the now soft nipple, her ardour having cooled during the last few minutes. 

She gasped his name as he pressed the delicate bud to the roof of his mouth with his tongue. He could feel the skin pebble as he suckled on the tip, his teeth nipping lightly, tasting her with long swirling licks. Her thighs tightened around his waist as her hand cupped the back of his skull, needing an anchor amidst the rising desire. 

He worked his way over to the other nipple and devoured it, relishing the taste and scent of her until she withdrew. He managed to reach up and place a quick kiss on one perky nipple before she got out of range. She flashed him a smile, acknowledging his sneaky move, before sliding down his body stopping only when her backside nudged against his erection. 

She trapped the thick length between his stomach and her pussy and rocked her hips back and forth, coating him with her arousal. Adaar moaned softly as he hardened beneath her, the throbbing erection enhancing her pleasure. There was a movement behind her and then his thighs were pressed on either side of her spine. She glanced over her shoulder and saw he'd bent his legs to give her a back rest. 

“Always the gentleman, Bull.” She reached back, her hands resting on solid muscle. ”Hmm, that's not what you say when I have you tied up.” She chuckled, happy to hear him sounding more like his old self, although she knew they still had a ways to go. 

With that thought foremost in her mind, she directed her attention back to the main goal, ready to take this night in the right direction and hopefully a happy ending for both of them. 

She changed positions so that her back now faced Bull and tapped his thighs to indicate that she wanted them flat on the bed once more. She checked the cock ring and found it was applying just the right amount of pressure. Satisfied he was in no real pain, her fingers closed around his heavy penis and positioned it against her entrance.

Slowly, she took him inside her, enjoying the feel of his broad head stretching her open, his length stroking against all the right spots. She could feel his carnal gaze wander over her body, the intensity of it scorching her skin. She rested her head on her shoulders, the soft strands of her hair whispering across her back like a lover's fingers. 

Tensing her thigh muscles, she lifted until only the tip of his cock remained inside, held the position and squeezed her pelvic muscles together, massaging the glans. When Bull tried to buck upwards, push himself deeper into her, she lowered herself, taking his restless hips down to the bed. 

She looked over her shoulder and saw the tight need in his face, the lusty fire in his eyes and shivered. She threw him a saucy grin, saw his hands clench around the manacles as she turned away. She rolled her hips in a sensual, wanton rhythm, her buttocks flexed and released with each lift, her spine stretched upwards, drawing his eyes to the curve of her waist, her generous hips. 

There was a deep, rumbling growl, her only warning before his cock pistoned into her, taking her breath away with the force of his need. She leaned forward, pressed her hands to his thighs and lifted off him. 

“No!” His breathing was ragged as he exclaimed at her withdrawal. She watched his hips pump into thin air for a few seconds afterwards, his cock and brain still catching up with the loss of her wet heat. When he lay still, she walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, laying a hand on his chest which rose and fell rapidly with each rough breath. 

“Tell me the rest of the nightmare.” The change in tactics was unexpected, so much so, that he was talking before he even had chance to think about it. 

“When the darkness clears, I can see the concern on your face. You step towards me, and I want to scream, tell you to leave, to run from my darkness, to...” his breath hitched and when he spoke again, his voice was thick with emotion, “Kill me, to put your sword through my heart and end it. But nothing comes out, because I'm trapped inside the darkness now.” 

A shudder worked it's way through his large body, his hands clenched so tightly to the slat that she thought it would snap under the pressure. Her main concern was whether the same could be said of Bull, but she stayed quiet, intuitively knowing that this was the part of his nightmare eating away at him. He pulled in a stuttering breath before speaking, and when he did his tone was deceptively calm.

“You walk over, your mouth is moving, but I can't hear you, because I'm still screaming. I can feel what was once my body, lifting it's arm, hefting that large two handed axe. I know what it's going to do. I fight him, fuck, I fight him so hard, but in the end, it's useless. I can only watch helplessly as I swing and take off your head.” 

With each word, his voice grew louder until he was shouting. “I couldn't fucking save you! I couldn't save him. I just stood there and watched your head roll along the ground while I laughed. I fucking laughed!” 

The slat creaked ominously now as his whole body tightened, his muscles screaming to move, to fight back in the only way he knew how. She laid herself over him, crooning to him in a soft voice. One glance at his hands told her the manacles were going to have to come off. 

She reached over, took the key and this time he didn't stop her, was still too wound up to say anything. She released the locks and rubbed his hands and wrists until the blue tinge faded and the normal colour returned. 

Adaar climbed back onto the bed, tears flowing freely down her face as she rubbed his sore shoulders while continuing to speak softly to him, inane words meant only to comfort and let him know he wasn't alone.


	7. Learning to let go

She couldn't even begin to imagine what he'd been going through, and not just since Adamant. This went deeper; at a guess she would say it went back to his time in Seheron. From the little he'd said about those days, it hadn't surprised her that he'd burnt out. Even the strongest man can break in the right situation with the right amount of pressure. 

She almost cried anew as his arms came around her, holding her in a fierce hug, his face buried in her neck. Without a word, he rolled her under him, lifting his head. What she saw in his face sent an icy finger of fear down her spine. His eyes were wild, his teeth pulled back in a snarl, he looked one hundred percent the warrior that he was, and more. Hell, he could have made a dragon back off with that look. 

Adaar pushed back the fear; she trusted this man implicitly, knew that he would never hurt her. He just needed to learn that lesson for himself. In one rough motion, he thrust himself deep inside her and without waiting for her to adjust to his thickness, pulled out then slammed back in. She didn't move as she kept her eyes locked with his.

He froze, his body hovering over her as a look of horror drowned out the wildness in his eyes. He started to pull out as words tumbled from his mouth. “I'm sorry, oh shit, I'm so sorry.” She locked her legs around his, holding him in place while simultaneously wrapping her arms around his thick neck and drawing his face down to hers. 

“I'm fine Bull.” His eyes slid to the side, too ashamed to meet her gaze. She gripped his chin and forced him to look at her. “I'm fine.” 

He let out the pent up breath he'd been holding and rolled to his back, taking her with him. She moaned as he slipped out, only half hard now, understandable of course, given what had just occurred. 

“You shouldn't have taken the chains off.” His grip tightened around her waist, pulling her attention back to him. “Yeah, I should have. Your hands were turning blue, and I can't let anything happen to those clever fingers of yours.” 

“You took a hell of a risk Kadan, I could have seriously hurt you. I didn't know where I was or what I was doing.” His lips were drawn into a thin, tight angry line. 

“There was no risk. I know you and you do yourself a great injustice Bull. You have an innate sense of honour within you, one that would not allow you to hurt someone under your care. You lost an eye for Krem, a stranger at the time, because of your honour.” 

She stroked a hand along his temple, her fingers tracing the outline of one massive horn. “Nothing and no one can take that from you, love. It's as much a part of you as your strength, your honesty, your wit.” He was silent for a moment, his brow dipped in thought. His next words shocked her. “Restrain me again, lets finish this.” He stretched his arms out to the side in readiness. 

Adaar watched him for a moment, her eyes assessing the situation. She nodded once, then leaned forward. “A kiss first.” She teased his lips, her tongue tangling around his, tasting his masculinity. As she pulled away, she sucked on his bottom lip, licking it briefly before releasing him. 

“Roll on to your stomach Bull.” He raised an eyebrow, there were a tense few seconds where it was plain he had an inkling as to her next move, and was debating as to whether he could do it. Then, with slow and deliberate movements, he turned onto his front. The level of trust conveyed in that moment took her breath away and made her eyes itch with unshed tears. 

She lengthened the chains, knowing that at this point, the manacles were more of a symbol than an actual means to hold him in place. When she'd finished restraining him, his arms lay loosely by his head, taking the unyielding pressure from his shoulders. For this next step, she wanted him as comfortable as possible. 

Adaar moved around to the side of the bed and collected the last two items, before settling herself between Bull's parted legs. She placed the bottle of oil by her side, then turned her attention to the saartoh nehrappan. 

The length of wrapped leather felt smooth and cool to the touch. She'd bought the double sided version, hoping that the feel of it moving inside of her would give a good indication of how it was feeling inside of Bull. She'd already tried it on, learning how to position it, how to tighten the straps so that there would be no stumbling over such things when the moment came. 

For now, she put it to one side and picked up the fragrant oil, a light scent of sandalwood reached her nose as she removed the cap. She poured some into her hands and warmed it up before placing both hands on his lower back, just above the curve of his buttocks. She felt him jump at her touch and chuckled. “Sorry, should have warned you.”

“Would have been nice,” he mumbled, his voice slightly muffled by the pillow. 

She dug in her fingers, kneading the tense muscles along his back and he let out a contented sigh, stretching his legs out like a cat who'd found a particularly good sun spot to lay in. 

Later, she'd make sure to give him an all over massage, but right now she had one particular place on his body that she wanted relaxed.


	8. Learning to let go

She bent over and pressed a kiss to one firm, round ass cheek, letting her tongue tease the warm flesh, then with a naughty grin, she bit him, leaving an indentation of her teeth, but not breaking the skin. His head lifted and he looked at her with shock. “Okay, now for that, I could have done with a warning.” 

“I can't help it if you have such a great ass.” He lifted an eyebrow, but there was a glint of laughter in his pale green eye. “And here I thought you loved me for my personality.” She let out a burst of laughter. “Well, I do now, but initially, it was your tight ass I wanted to grab hold of.” 

“And bite apparently.” He flexed the muscle, making both cheeks dance and jump under her fingers, causing her to laugh harder. She gave one a light slap. “Stop distracting me.” He grinned and turned his head back to the pillow. 

Her fingers played over the seam separating the two luscious cheeks. She took hold of one and spread it, revealing the little star burst shape. “Going to pour more oil Bull.” He grunted, unable or unwilling to say anything. She tipped the bottle and let the viscous liquid fall, landing unerringly in the crease of his buttocks. She watched as it rolled down, taking it's time, ratcheting up the sexual tension in the room. 

Bull squirmed a little as the oil drew closer to his anus, then clenched his hole tight as it slid over the sensitive opening. The movement drew the liquid in, and his hips flicked forward at the sensation. She poured more into her hands, then gently rubbed a thumb around the rim, watching his buttocks tighten at the touch. 

She could feel her own arousal flowing down her thighs: Maker, having this strong male restrained beneath her was more potent than the strongest aphrodisiac. She stamped down her desire, remembering the reason she was doing this. 

Adaar dropped one hand to the tempting curve of his testicles, heavy with seed and painted them with her slick fingers. He lifted his hips slightly, allowing her more room to play. With a smile, she cupped his balls in a firm grasp, tracing the shape of the full orbs, then reached back and pressed a thumb to the perineum, sliding firmly back and forth. 

As he muttered a fervent oath, he pushed up into her touch, his legs widening, spreading his ass cheeks. She closed her eyes at the erotic sight, worried that if she looked for a moment longer she would be pushed into a mind blowing climax. She took a few steadying breaths, then opened her eyes again and focused on Bull. Her arm moved forward and she wrapped her fingers around his heavy erection which was fully stretched out and resting against the cotton sheet, a growing wet spot around the head. The pulse of the thick vein could be felt against the pads of her fingers, and she realised it was beating in a rhythm that strangely matched her own erratic heartbeat. 

She noticed that the leather strap needed loosening a notch. After taking care of it, she went back to his shaft, gliding her hand up and down in time with the motion of her thumb massaging his rim until she felt the muscle relax, ready for penetration. She glanced at her neatly trimmed nails, had taken extra care with them, ensuring there would be nothing to hurt the delicate flesh within his passage. Taking a deep breath to steady herself, she pressed a kiss to the dimples above his buttocks, then asked the all important question. 

“Are you ready, love?” 

She waited, for what seemed like an eternity, for his answer. His throat muscles worked furiously as he struggled to speak. “Do it.” As if the words had somehow released a weight, his shoulders melted into the bed, his body relaxed becoming fully open to her. With her thumb, she gently held held the hole open as she slid a finger slowly inside and felt his muscles clamp down immediately. She moved one hand back to the velvet skin of his cock, and started a slow glide from root to tip.

As the tension eased, she matched the movement of her finger to the stroking of his cock, until his hips picked up the rhythm and moved in time with her. “More.” Bull's voice was deep and husky with desire as he spoke. She added another finger and let him adjust. Carefully she scissored her fingers apart, stretching him in small increments. Then she curved her digits within his passage and found the sweet spot. He growled his approval, his hips jerking as she rubbed the prostate firmly. 

“Earlier, you said you couldn't save him; who was you referring to Bull?” All the while she kept the same slow motion, both in his hole and on his cock. He snorted, clearly bemused by her timing. “Kadan, it's a little difficult to think when you're doing that.” 

“I know; I don't want you to think, just tell me the first thing that comes into your mind.” 

“Well at the moment, your finger in my ass is the first thing that comes to mind.” She leaned forward and bit one quivering ass cheek. “That's not helping,” he groaned. 

“Well, stop thinking and just answer.” 

“There are too many to name, too many fucking people I wasn't able to save. Is that what you want to hear?” His voice was low, angry, but she caught the underlying pain in each word. 

“No, Bull. I want you to tell me about him.” She could sense the internal struggle going on within Bull, a sense of panic as he fought the memories threatening to pour out. She pushed harder, not giving him a chance to retreat. 

“Was this man part of the reason you handed yourself over to the re-educators?” It was a guess, but she figured there had to be something that pushed him to that point of desperation. His hands balled into fists, pulling at the sheet, but his head stayed stubbornly turned away from her. She added a third finger, stretching him further, keeping his attention in the present, or so she hoped. 

His breathing increased, his body quivered but still he didn't answer. A tremor ran through her, they were nearing the end now and if she couldn't get him to open up soon, then she would lose the man she loved.


	9. Learning to let go

When her fingers moved easily within his stretched hole, she knew it was time. She picked up the saartoh nehrappan and eased one end within her soaking pussy, then fitted the straps around her hips and thighs. She made a few adjustments, then oiled up the leather, making sure every inch was thickly coated. It was a strange sensation to stroke the make believe cock, though not unpleasant as each movement shifted the part inside her. 

She tapped Bull on the hips. “Lift up a little higher, and keep your shoulders to the mattress, I don't want to hurt you,” she waited until he made the necessary changes to his position, then continued, “Now push out as I push in.” He gave a quick jerk of his head to show he understood. She placed the head of the leather cock against his hole and slowly entered him. 

“Talk to me Bull, tell me what's going on in that handsome head of yours?” 

His body was shaking so hard she thought he might shatter; for a brief instant she wondered if it was too much too soon, but she pushed that negative thought aside. The wound had been festering for a long time, it was well overdue for a lancing. 

As she felt the muscle give way, she asked him again. “What was the final straw that made you get up that day and hand yourself over to the re-educators?” His breath caught in his throat. 

“Ashaad.” 

She flicked through the ranks she knew, a Qunari scout or archer if she remembered correctly. She stayed still, not wanting to disrupt his thoughts. “We'd worked together for months now; two of only a handful to have lasted so long in Seheron without succumbing to Asaala-taar.” 

She knew that term easily enough; soul sickness, had heard stories about how it affected two soldiers for every one casualty. She spooned her body over his, pressing deep into him, one hand resting over his, the other wrapped around his chest. 

“You're nearly there, Bull.” He exhaled, a long painful drawn out breath.

“He came to me one morning, told me he didn't feel right, that he thought it was time to return back home, take another role in the Qun.” Sweat rolled down his face, along his back, not the type you'd earn from a good fight, but a bone deep coldness that covered his skin. 

“I need space, Adaar.” She pressed a kiss to his shoulder than sat back on her heels. He nodded his thanks, then continued. “I told him he was doing fine, to give it another week and see how he felt after that.” 

His hands drew into tight fists as he struggled on. “I saw the dullness, the loss of spirit in his eyes, but I didn't care. I was already walking on shaky ground, if he'd left I didn't think I'd be able to go on. Ashaad was saying the words I wanted to say, but I was too stubborn. I thought if I could fight against it with every fibre of my being, then he could too. We would support each other as we always had.”

She watched his profile as a multitude of emotions rose to the surface and worked themselves across his features, anger, pain, sorrow and guilt. He'd closed his one good eye, squeezed it tight to hide from the feelings, to hide from her. He didn't want to witness the revulsion that would cloud her face, couldn't bear to see the love leave her eyes, and yet, he needed to finish the story, tell someone of the dark secret he'd carried for so long, for too long. 

“I stayed close to him that day as we fought the Vints, but I still wasn't fast enough. I saw him run towards a group of three Vints, bellowing his arrival, giving them plenty of time to prepare. I started running, but the fireball was already moving swiftly towards him. Then he turned a split second before the fire engulfed him, met my eyes and smiled. He looked so peaceful in that moment as he waited for his death. Then he screamed, his mouth gaping wide, as his body burst into flames, his hair shrivelling, his armour melting into his skin. 

I could smell the stink of his burning flesh as I took down the Vints, smelt it for weeks afterwards. I don't remember killing them, I just swung my axe, all I could see was Ashaad's smile, all I could hear was his screaming.”

Tears rolled down her cheeks as she sat there listening to his torment. She couldn't let him suffer alone, his body vibrating with all the pent up emotions, his face pressed into the mattress with shame. She cocooned him with her arms and body and had to swallow several times before she could get her throat to work.

“Guilt is perhaps one of the hardest emotions to fight against, especially where the death of a friend is involved. If you try to feel better, to smile and laugh, you feel the weight of that person's death on your shoulders. A reminder that they aren't there to enjoy the moment with you, and the guilt starts all over again, pulling you down with it's greedy fingers, sucking all the light from your soul. 

But at some point you have to realise that your friend wouldn't want that for you, wouldn't want to see you dragged through the pit of despair because of them. They would want you happy, enjoying the life that they were no longer able to.”

Bull shook his head. “I killed him, I might as well have set him on fire myself.” 

“Your words may have swayed him, but the fact that he couldn't manage another day tells me he waited too long to bring the matter to someone's attention. Would you say he was a strong man?” Bull nodded. “One of the strongest.” 

“Then he could have said no, it may even be that he wanted to die on the battlefield. It's hard to say what thoughts run through the mind of a desperate person. What you need to remember is that you didn't take away his choice that day. He made a conscious decision to go out and fight as he made a conscious decision to die.” 

“You can't take responsibility for his actions, only your own. So yes, make atonement in whatever way you need to, for the words you spoke that day, but know that the decision to die was his, and his alone. Honour his memory by living your life to the fullest.” 

He didn't move, made no sound, and she knew that she was losing him, could feel him pulling further and further away from her.


	10. Learning to let go

Moving back from him was one of the hardest things she'd ever done. She looked down at the powerful body below her; each muscle, each scar as familiar to her as the back of her hand. A fiery determination welled up within her heart. She wouldn't give up now, they'd come so far. This wasn't over, not by a long shot. 

She gripped his hips, digging in her fingers, pulled back and thrust forward, hard! She saw his fingers twitch, she repeated the action again, getting that same spasmodic flicker in his hand. She picked up the speed, slamming her weight into him, her strength, her love. His body jerked, and his eye fluttered open, revealing a distant stare. 

“Look at me Bull.” His eyelid lowered. “Fucking look at me!” The pale grey of his iris was once more visible, a flash of recognition in the depth. What he saw In her eyes surprised him, where he expected revulsion, there was anger tinged with fear; where he'd expected coldness, there was warmth and a deep abiding love.

“Are you a coward?” The pale grey darkened to the colour of storm clouds as anger sparked in his gaze.

“No!” The word was ripped from him; his voice rough as if he'd swallowed glass. “I'm not a fucking coward,” he shouted hoarsely. 

“Did you sit on this fine ass all day and just let the Vints kill him?” She slapped the body part in question as she spoke, causing his hips to jerk, and the saartoh nehrappan to slide in a little deeper. “Fuck!” He took a few fortifying breaths before attempting to answer. “No. I fought hard, with everything I had.” 

She leaned over and pressed a kiss to one particularly vicious looking scar along his back. “I know you did, love. You have the scars to prove it. Each one shows your dedication to protect the innocent and that includes Ashaad.” She rocked her hips back and forth, keeping the motion slow and easy, letting him think over their conversation without too much of a distraction. 

“Finish the story, tell me how you felt when you saw Ashaad go up in flames.” He gritted his teeth, pushing himself onto all fours, his hands gripping the slat in front of him. 

“I fucking hated him! I hated him for taking the cowards way out, for not saying something sooner, for fucking leaving me alone.” His muscles strained as he wrenched at the slat. “I hated myself, for letting him go out there, for being so fucking selfish, for not being fast enough to stop the fireball,” his voice broke, his head falling forward to rest against his clenched knuckles, so that his next words were almost lost, “...for not dying that day.” 

She stroked trembling hands over his sides and down his flanks. “Do you understand your nightmare now, Bull?” His chest was heaving as he shook his head. “I can't...I can't think right now.” She leaned over his body and pressed a kiss to the nape of his neck. “Then I'll tell you what I think.” 

She lifted her hips and started pumping in slow shallow thrusts. “Think about the dream, Bull. You said you wanted me to run, that you didn't want me to be drawn into your darkness. The cloud in your nightmare isn't representing a demon, it's how you see yourself. 

You think you're going to hurt me, but we've already established that you won't. You think you're going to fail me by letting me be harmed, or worse. But we're agreed that you do everything you can to protect those around you.” 

She traced her tongue around the shell of his ear, nibbled at the pulse in his neck, giving him time to take in what she'd said so far. When he leaned into her touch, she continued with her explanation.

“You fear demons, as we all should, they're not to be taken lightly. But that fear will make you cautious and keep you alive long after less guarded fools will have fallen prey to a demon. But what you fear the most is yourself. You've bottled up all this pain and anger inside and it's been eating at your very soul, Bull.”

She shifted a little in order to find his prostate, then she thrust deep and his head went back, a loud moan escaping him. She smoothed a hand over his back, feeling a shiver run through the hard muscles. 

“Do you want to keep living like that?” There was silence for the space of a heartbeat, then one whispered word.

“No.” She thrust harder. “I didn't hear you Bull, tell me what you want.” 

“I want to be fucking free of all this shit!” He exhaled a shuddering breath, his lungs working frantically, as dry sobs racked his body. The wound was open, now they needed to drain it. 

Adaar cupped his rigid cock. “I'm going to take off the ring now Bull, and when you come, I want to hear you, I want you to let it all out.”

He pulled in a steadying breath then looked over his shoulder and she saw the irrepressible gleam in his eye as he replied, “I don't think that's going to be a problem, I'm hard enough to pound nails.” His gaze turned serious and he gave a quick nod. “I will Kadan.”

She smiled, her slim fingers finding the buckle and releasing him. She let it drop to the bed before taking his rigid cock in her hand and pumping him as fast and as hard as her hips were riding his ass. 

“Ah, fuck...going to..” He was gasping for air, like a man who had run a marathon, but he'd done so much more than that this night. 

“Let it go, Bull.” 

Even as she spoke, his cock was already swelling within the confines of her hand, his ass clenching greedily at the saartoh nehrappan. He gripped the slat with strong hands, threw his head back and roared loud and long, an agonising but cleansing release. 

Adaars' hand was coated with thick white ropes of cum as his hips jerked with each pulse of his cock. The sight and scent of his climax forced all the desire that had coiled up inside her to release in an breath taking orgasm. Her cries of pleasure mingled with his, until they were both left drained and panting heavily. 

She followed Bull down as his legs gave way, covering his body, sheltering him as he lay vulnerable and dazed. She managed to reach the key without dislodging herself from him, and undid the manacles, rubbed the tender red marks gently and placed a kiss against each wrist. He turned his palms upwards and she linked her hands with his.

“I have to ask; other than a love of my ass, what was your reason for taking me from behind?” She chuckled, “Well it is a fine ass, but I did it that way so that you'd be more vulnerable. If I'd ridden your cock, you would have still had a modicum of control. I wanted you open to me in all ways.” 

He pulled her hand close and pressed a kiss to the knuckles. “Smart and beautiful.” She smiled, but it was clear she was distracted. “I'm going to be all right Kadan. It will take a bit of time to get my head around what we've talked about today. But it helped, a lot. I feel...I feel at peace.”


	11. Learning to let go

**Author's note: We reach the end of the story for The Iron Bull and Adaar. I want to thank all the readers for sticking right to the end. :)**

He felt the quiver of her lips press against his back and was about to ask if she was okay, but then she pushed up, carefully pulling out of Bull's slightly tender bottom. He swallowed back a moan as he turned on his side. He watched her struggle with the straps, her fingers shaking too much to grasp the smooth buckles.

“Let me help you with that.” She gave a small nod, her eyes avoiding his as she moved closer to him. His fingers moved quick and easy over the catches, then he gently pulled it from her body. She bit her lip at the sensation and went to take it from his hand. He dropped it to the floor and wrapped his arms around her waist, tumbling her to the bed and pulling her beneath him.

“Kadan, look at me.” His voice was soft, but commanding, leaving her with no choice but to follow his demand. He saw tears trembling at the edge of her long lashes, and he understood. This had been as much of an emotional roller coaster for her as it had for him. He brushed a kiss to her cheek, catching a tear that had finally fallen.

With that gentle gesture, her face crumpled and she melted into him, her tears wetting his chest. “I thought I'd lost you Bull.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Nah, I'm not so easy to get rid of.”

The crying jag was brief, like a summer shower and with a final hiccup she murmured, “It feels nice to be in your arms again.” He reached up and brushed his knuckles over her cheek, caressing her soft skin before cupping the back of her neck and pulling her in for a slow but passionate kiss.

“Kadan, my heart, my strength, my love.” She rested her forehead to his, a contented sigh escaping her lips. “I love you Bull, my haven, my shelter, my soul.”

“Always, Kadan.” He folded her into his arms, forever grateful that he'd met this brave and beautiful woman. Brave enough to not only lead the Inquisition, but with enough courage to fight for his soul.

He would never let such a treasure go, she was all his, as he was hers.

*****

Some time later, Adaar rose from the bed and grabbed a wash cloth, cleaning every inch of him. He groaned, as she gently rubbed his anus.

“I think you've given a whole new meaning to the phrase - ride the Bull.”

She burst out laughing, her body shaking with mirth as she finished the task and then took care of herself.

As the dawn rose, Adaar slipped on a short dressing gown while Bull pulled on a pair of trousers. Then they wandered out onto the balcony to watch the streaks of orange and pale pink reflect off the Frostback Mountains.

Slowly the last remnants of the night were pushed back and Adaar was reminded of that evening, after the destruction of Haven, when all appeared to be lost. She hummed the tune, before quietly singing a snatch of the uplifting song.

_The night is long,_ _and the path is dark_ _look to the sky_ _for one day soon_ _the dawn will come_

“Very appropriate,” he told her as his mouth brushed her ear. She tilted her head to the side, allowing him access to her neck, where his lips became busy finding all her erogenous zones. She gasped as his hands slid under her robe, cupping her breasts. He teased the sensitive underside, tracing the full curves with his clever fingers.

“Bend over, Kadan and put both hands on the balustrade, don't move them unless I tell you to do so.” She shivered at his masterful tone, feeling a rush of arousal that drenched the lips of her sex.

“Are you wet for me?” She nodded, moaning as he checked the truth for himself, his fingers finding her clitoris and caressing it with experienced strokes. He kept up the slow, teasing motion until her body undulated against his with overwhelming need.

“I want to tease you, Kadan but you feel too damn good.” She felt the head of his cock slide between her swollen labia, then push inside the tight channel. She whimpered at the feeling of her pussy being stretched with his thick length. Her head dropped forward as he thrust with long, deep strokes, bringing all her sensitive nerve endings to life.

One large hand gripped her hips in a bruising hold as he increased the speed and force of his thrusts. “Oh shit, Bull, please...” Faster he went, his cock sliding in deep and hard, his fingers playing over her tender nub.

“Come for me Kadan.”

At his whispered words, she stiffened as a multitude of explosions went off throughout her body. She opened her mouth to scream, but he turned her head towards him, covering her lips with his before she woke up the whole of Skyhold with her climax.

He kept pumping into her, prolonging her pleasure for as long as possible. Unable to resist her strong pelvic muscles milking him any longer, he groaned and released deep inside of her, his hips locking in place until his balls were empty.

When his legs had stopped shaking, he picked her up and carried her back to bed, thankful that they'd taken the time to change the sheets before their interlude on the balcony. He laid her down, watching a sleepy smile cross her face as he cleaned them both up. Then with a yawn, he dropped the cloth on the floor and climbed in next to her, pulling her into his arms and falling into a long and peaceful sleep.


End file.
